Confidence in me.

Surgery went really well; turns out I tore my medial meniscus pretty bad so they put sutures in the back of my cartilage which is slowing down the process quite a bit. I was locked out at zero degrees in my brace for four weeks, and now I’m into my fifth week, brace still on but with 60 degrees of flexion. It’s so nice to drive without taking my brace off every time I get in and out! It was the one month mark yesterday! So I’m now only 5 months away from running and 8 months from getting back on the court! It’s amazing how sore your legs get with no muscle… it’s been very humbling to have to just sit and watch from the sidelines but I’m still struggling with letting people help me. Now that I can walk almost normally I feel totally capable to help myself- but I’ve gotten recent criticism that I need to allow others to serve and help me. The hardest part is going to be when I get out of my brace and start walking around. I’m going to want to skip up the stairs (putting both feet on one stair takes a while…) and get back to my faster pace of walking and eventually start shooting hoops. I don’t have my mom down here to take the basketball away from me, so I need you guys to help me remember to take it easy (although I absolutely loathe that phrase.) I want a full recovery with this knee, and I’m willing to wait but that doesn’t mean my competitive mind won’t take over. Maybe I’ll start opening up my apartment where if you want someone to just listen to you rant or freak out about boys or school or roommate, come on over! But seriously I would love it and random is always the most fun but if you warn me in advance, I can pop a batch of cookies in the oven :) Don’t think I’m kidding. And single guys, dates are accepted too. Don’t worry I’ll let you serve me on that one. Life is so good and sometimes you need a friend to help pull you down to Earth and remind you of the goodness of God and his desire to see us happy.

Five years ago I was a very different person, and most of it has to do with recognizing my divine goodness and building up confidence.

Confidence was something I definitely did not have up until freshman year of college. I’m not talking about athletic confidence because from a young age I played with the boys at recess and celebrated the grass stains I would get. I’m talking about social and personal confidence that comes from recognizing your celestial potential and desire to share the inexplicable joy and light that it brings. Many people may not believe this side of me but this was who I was and what I have grown from. I still remember being in elementary school and on the rare days I didn’t feel like playing football, I would just sit by the chained link fence and cry about how I had no friends and my justification was because I had hearing aids. I used this justification throughout middle school and even high school when it diminished a little but was always a lingering thought. The hallways in middle and high school are an absolute nightmare for people with hearing loss, there is so much background noise and unless you are following every single word everyone says, then you usually get lost and it’s very, very hard to pick up the conversation again. So I spent most of my breaks pacing the hallways, avoiding people that might talk to me (in fear that I couldn’t hear them and I would make a fool of myself), talking to teachers or coaches in their quiet classrooms or silently standing with a group but not saying a word. And when I said something it was usually an attempt to make people laugh, but my humor was more sarcastically cynical than good humor either condoning myself or others around me. (This is something that is definitely still in the works). I friend hopped several times just searching for a group that would maybe understand that it was difficult as a hard of hearing adolescent to find a spot in the hearing world. Or that answering a wrong three times didn’t qualify me for having a bad day rather that I was actually bold enough to be close enough for someone to ask me a question. My confidence was at an absolute low; my head hung allowing my ears to strain for some kind of conversation I could jump in on or keep up with. Not only at school, but in my church group, I felt like an outsider when all the other girls didn’t speak a lick of sports, rather dancing and music which were not my forte at all. Many weekend nights found me doing homework or sitting at home with my family. Going to parties was almost just as bad as the high school hallways. I was quiet, and often wondered what purpose I had in this life. I did have good days, these just highlight the almost routine I felt myself get into, and I blamed most of it on the fact that I had hearing aids.

If I didn’t have sports for the brief confidence high on the court, I don’t know what I would have done. It wasn’t until I moved away from my hometown, that I had lived in for 15 years, away from the memories of just wanting to fit in, to college where I had a fresh start and came off as a very confident person apparently. I got a calling in my ward to be the family night group leader, where I planned weekly activities for 18 people, and I felt like this delegation also forced me to be outgoing, carefree and just talk to people without beating myself down with “what if I can’t hear”. People that met me that freshman year of college still cannot believe that I was shy and very quiet in middle and high school. This was the answer to my prayers of pleading for friends, and the strength to talk to others, have a normal conversation and feel good about myself afterwards. This doesn’t mean I still have my deaf moments but instead of beating myself up for it I remember how blessed I am to be where I am. Aside from being independent and having a fresh start there were a couple other key elements that contributed to my change in confidence that would be helpful for not only those hard of hearing children I hope this reaches, but anyone that needs a little boost.

Being involved and accepting delegation- I was able to stay busy so that I didn’t have time to think about how I messed up a conversation or said something wrong because I was too busy moving from thing to thing. Go try something new- this can be absolutely terrifying but go into it knowing you’ll probably be the worst one out there, you have nothing to lose and your experience will be better than you expected. Learn to laugh, especially at yourself- there have been studies showing that little kids laugh on average 400 times a day where adults laugh as low as 4-11 times a day. We are to become like little children right? Let’s laugh a little more; it’s more fun that way. Celebrate with others’ successes. If you pay attention, it’s amazing and almost sad how often conversations are interrupted with “I’s and me’s”. Let others shared their happy moments and be so excited for them and avoid interrupting it with our selfish desire for attention or praise. This doesn’t mean I’m not competitive anymore ;) but find that way to celebrate others’ smiles. Be gracious to the pitcher fillers. There are people working behind the scenes at weddings, events, church callings, family life- everywhere and they are real people to. Go shake their hand, smile at them and thank them. It’ll make their week. Lastly, know that there is a Father in heaven that loves you and His son that died for you, but not only you, every single person around you and they too are struggling with feeling His love. Knowing this helps me know that life is so good, and I want people to know that I love it. And if you don’t know, get on your knees and asked if you are loved, and I promise without a doubt you will feel God’s love and admiration for you. I’m already twenty and I get the rest of my life to celebrate with every sunrise and every sunset, literally and figuratively. I have a hearing loss. So what. That is not the reason I didn’t have friends or confidence. It was my lack of faith and perspective on life. Change your angle, mix things up in life, realize that life is so wonderful and God is good. Yes, I have a hearing loss and I may say what to every other question, but the sun is still shinning and I have confidence in me.